We Are Newtown

This tiny little state, this charming little town...

The nation is in shock, we are in grief, and I sit here in my little area of the country and wonder how can I help? I attended a memorial yesterday for the victims, both directly and indirectly, affected by this tragedy. Alumni at my school lost children, cousins; a former student of mine lost her mother. I have no words or answers. I plan on driving to Newtown this week to drop off teddy bears for the children of Sandy Hook, after all it is only 30-45 minutes from where I live in Connecticut. But is this really all I can do?

Our state has changed, our nation has changed, our world has changed.

Praying for those 20 children and 6 adults that became angels far too soon.

Patience is not my friend

CD24/9dpo = BFN
Wasn't going to test till Wednesday at 12dpo but I couldn't help myself. Every single time I see a BFN, it sets the negativity tone for the day. I should have known better. I'm also reading way to much into symptoms per usual. This month they include: headaches, crampy, tired, dizziness. Of course all of this could be related to my crazy schedule lately. End of the semester is always the worst both as a student and instructor. I'd love to tell myself I'm not going to test tomorrow, but I know that I will. I could have sworn I saw a faint shadow of line, but I feel like this is just wishful thinking. I guess I will know either way by the end of the week.

I think I'll take Patience

Movember Sex

This month is Movember. It is a great cause and interesting way to bring awareness. DH and his friends have been participating for the last two or three years now, and while I am proud of DH for raising money, the stache has got to go. Tomorrow he shaves it off! YES! I have been looking forward to this day since November 1st. Without offending DH I took the reigns this month position-wise since I had a very difficult time looking directly at him. A girl has got to do what a girl has got to do right?
And for your viewing pleasure...

Monster-In-Law

So Thanksgiving was not as hoped, but exactly as I expected. My parents hosted this year and kept it small, just us and the in-laws. I was literally dreading going over there the day of Thanksgiving, just cringing at what comments my MIL would say to me throughout the day. I mentioned it briefly to DH, but as always he said it would be fine. Nope.

They arrived and my MIL brought some wonderful desserts with her as always. Thank god she taught DH how to bake (and cook), it has paid off! So my mother commented on one of the plates the desserts were on, remarking how pretty is was. Instead of simple 'Thank You' so said it was gift from DH's ex-girlfriend. Grrrrr she brings her up in conversation whenever possible. I just want to scream "THEY DATED 15 YEARS AGO." I don't get it, neither does DH and it is starting to annoy him now too.

Then we got on the subject of Movember since DH is participating again this year (t minus 3 days till he is sans stache again). My BIL mentioned how DH looked like their grandfather with a stache, but said their grandfather always looked old to him. Now, I can't remember exactly what happened to the conversation at this point, but I do remember my MIL saying that when they finally have grandkids they will look old too. Really?!? I kind of figured the grandkids/grandparents topic was pretty much off the table right now? And yes, she knows that I had a m/c last month because I had DH tell her to avoid any grandchildren discussion. Was it that bad? No, I guess not but all of my emotions are still pretty raw about everything right now and I just didn't need it...not on this day...not on the day we were supposed to be telling them I was pregnant.

So the rest of the day was pretty uneventful. Of course my MIL made pretty consistent digs at me throughout the day about not cleaning and/or cooking. Neither of these things are true, and they haven't been to our place in over a year. I literally don't even know where this comes from, she just likes to say hurtful things to me. I don't remember getting a hug goodbye and when my parents mentioned Christmas Eve at their house (my parents always host Christmas Eve and we got to DH's parents for Christmas Day), my MIL said they would come over if they didn't have a better offer. Okay, now my parents are being insulted? Nopity nope.

Mini-meltdown ensued after they left. To be fair, I was on the edge of crying all week anyway and her comments were literally just the icing on this mofo cake of a holiday.

Everyone said things would get better between us after we got engaged, then after we got married. None of this has happened. In all honesty, I haven't done anything to make her dislike me except for the fact that I married her son. At this point I don't ever expect her to like me, just to respect me because I am not sure how much longer I am going to be able to bite my tongue. DH promised to have a conversation with her about this, and he realizes how hurtful she has been to me. I'm hoping this happens sooner rather than later.

On a positive note...

Thanksgiving Scrooge

Trying to stay positive, but lately it has been difficult. I keep getting reminders that are throwing me off the positivity train!!!

1) Tomorrow was the day we were going to announce to our parents that I was KTFU. I would have been about 8 weeks, give or take. Obviously, no news to share and both sets of parents know what happened and think we are TTA for awhile. There is some silver lining here: I get to drink tomorrow & our parents won't be asking when they will be grandparents anytime soon. Pressure off!

2) Got a Save the Date in the mail this week for a good friend's wedding. I knew that they were getting married in June, but were having a tough time figuring out the venue and exact date. Turns out their wedding date was my EDD (June 22). That's a kick in the balls!

3) A colleague of mine just told me him and his wife are expecting. Super excited for them, then it dawned on me they got married two months before we did and are due two months before we were. Yes, yes, I realize they didn't "take" my baby or anything ridiculous like that, but it was an ouch moment for sure. Pity party for one please.

So what am I doing? Well, I'm drowning myself in work and school, I'm hardly home before 10pm, and I have yet to hangout with my friends since October. Healthy? Probably not, but I'm hoping to change some of that this weekend. Our FW is coming up so I'm also looking forward to getting sexed up! Cheers.

I don't want to Break-Up, but we need to Take a Break

Dear AF,

I know we've known each other for about 20 years now, but I think it is time to re-evaluate our relationship. In the beginning, I have to admit, I didn't like you at all! You literally scared the shit out of me. However, my mom did get me a cake when we got together so I figured you couldn't be that bad (true story btw). After awhile, I actually kind of liked you because after you arrived, I finally grew some boobies and I guess I have you to thank for that. Throughout my late teens and twenties I even prayed for you to show up a few times :wink: But here we are...20 years later.

I've grown tired of you, and quite frankly you are becoming a royal bitch. After all this time together, and all the things we have been through, it is time we take a break. I don't want you out of my life completely, I just need my space right now. In 9 to 10 months, we can discuss whether or not you can be a regular visitor again.

Thank you for understanding and I hope I don't see you next month,

Cole