Hello blog readers! I thought about starting a blog when we started TTC, then we got our BFP, and now we are back to TTC so I figured why not start that blog now?
I'm 32 and DH is 34, and we have been TTC our first since we got married in July of this year. We didn't feel the need to wait since we have been together for 7 years, and we are ready financially and mentally to grow our family. Right now we are the proud parents of three furbabies. I brought two cats to the relationship, and we have an adorable little yorkie together. We think all three would make wonderful big sisters/brother :) The timing isn't ideal since I am finishing a Ph.D. program, but when is the "right" time? And so the journey began....
I had no idea what I was doing at first, well, I knew what to do (wink) but I didn't know anything about when I ovulated or much about my cycle at all. Then I started lurking on The Bump and joined in September. I started temping in the middle of cycle 2 to get into the habit, and had my first full chart during our third cycle (our most recent one). We had great timing and boom...BFP! I couldn't believe, I actually could.not.believe.it. I was excited, but something felt off. I couldn't describe it if I tried, and I know this would be the place to put it. As much as I wanted that June baby and had hoped and prayed for it, I just didn't feel like we would be taking this baby home. Soon after I showed some symptoms, but they were mild at best. I was tired, dizzy, and extremely bloated. That was it. A few days after our BFP I tested again. I shouldn't have, but I did. The line was barely there - I knew something was wrong. My first appointment was just a few days away so I just had to wait it out, then Thursday, October 18th happened.
DH had just left for work, he wouldn't be back till the following evening since work required him to be out of the state for the night. As soon as I went into the bathroom, I knew it was over. I was hysterical, my heart was breaking, my worst fear had just happened, and I wasn't dealing with it as well as I had hoped. I immediately called DH and he came home during lunch to lay with me as I cried. I kept telling him how sorry I was that my body had failed us, and he reassured me that it wasn't my fault. The next day I went to my appointment. It was supposed to be a happy appointment, the appointment that confirmed my pregnancy. Instead, they ran a battery of tests and scheduled me for an u/s for today. Over the weekend I was able to spend quality time with DH and even laugh a little bit. It was as good of a weekend as I could have hoped for during this time.
Today was the u/s which confirmed that I no longer was pregnant, and my body had completely gotten "rid" of anything resembling a pregnancy at this point. I was relieved in a way that I didn't have to deal with the painful cramping and everything else that comes along with a natural m/c at this stage, but defeated at the same time. The doctor met with me and DH and explained that there was nothing either of us did to end this pregnancy. He reassured us that many couples have a m/c or more, and go on to have healthy pregnancies. He said that my body did what it was supposed to do, that this was an unhealthy pregnancy or some abnormalities were present. I do have so reassurance knowing my body knew what to do, and thankful for that.
He gave us the green light to TTC as soon as we feel mentally ready. I may not be able to track everything like before for a few weeks, and that is okay with me. I don't feel ready to start to temping and charting, and peeing on everything quite yet. For now, I am taking with me the fact that we did get pregnant, that there was a life inside of me, and that it is okay to be sad. Looking forward I have a new perspective on this journey. I am going to stress less, be more positive, and stop worrying all the time about what might be wrong instead of what might be right.
For now I remember our first that will always live in my heart, our angel baby River.
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